Crying Eyes

She stalks the bars, pouring out tears & cries, hungry eyes hunting for open arms, a full breast, a smile. Simple comforts. 

She sits alone in the dark, willing deafness to her ears and callous to her heart. Anything to stop the rending of her heart strings. Tears drip from her chin like cold, lonely raindrops falling to the ground after the thrill of the storm has abandoned them. Her arms tremble with the need to still the cries. "It's for the best ", she tells herself. A smoky tendril of a voice whispers from the shadows, "You're a terrible mother. It's cruel. Have you no heart?" She hangs her head, beaten down by doubt & confusion. She lists in her mind,"Clean diaper. Full belly. Nursed both sides. Tylenol for teething. Gas drops for bellyache. We sang. We hugged. We prayed. We gave goodnight kisses." There's nothing left. Nothing more to give. Nothing but exhaustion & weariness. Fifteen long minutes. She dreadfully enters the room. Secretly, joy peeks through the curtain of her soul. She longs to gather that tiny body to her own. Kisses. Pacifier. Blanket. She leaves the room, heavy as iron. Only increased screams. Another fifteen minutes. Math seemed painful in school, but this math stabs its leaded tip into the soul. 

She sinks to her knees. Fingers her soft, velvety giraffe. Picks up her pacifier and sucks the solace of it. It's not mommy. She cries her disappointment to the empty room. She feels heavy. So tired. Her eyes slide shut. Nodding. Drifting. A wail loses its grasp and slips turbulently through her rosy lips, piercing the momentary silence. She holds steady, braced by a pudgy, ladybug-garbed arm. 

With every few seconds of silence, her resolve grows. Then the call of the child-trumpet crumbles her walls. She rebuilds. Head held a little higher. Love. She loves that little person. She desperately seeks success & courage for that little soul. 

"That's so wrong. You're ruining your child. You're selfish. It's unnatural. They need touch. They'll feel abandoned. They're only little once." She knows the arguments of both sides. "Spare the rod... Crying won't hurt them. 

Self-comfort. You need time for yourself, for your marriage. Structure." Two truths. Torn. 

Lifting the child into her arms, she feels relief. Together, as one... As they began the journey. They settle into motion, and the babe suckles. The satisfying weight of a sleeping child cancels the weight of despair. 

Having her fill, she lies down peacefully, her little chest rising and falling with the tides of Dreamland's seas. 

Mommy crawls into bed feeling warm, fuzzy, and thoroughly defeated. Tomorrow will be better. Or will it? 

Imperfection is inherent in us all. Still we strive. We search. It's the beauty of the human soul, created to seek truth. 

Flying with a baby

I've learned a few things about flying with a baby. Recently, we went to Wisconsin and flew with an eight-month-old. A few easy tips I learned:

* ERGO or comfy carrier. I bought a used ergo carrier the day before our flight. It was awesome, both for the airport & our destination. Baby could be close to mommy & even sleep while we dragged ourselves & luggage from gate to gate. It also helps to have two hands free for boarding & deplaning!

* Breastfeed as much as baby wants , especially on landing & takeoff.

* A window seat affords much more privacy for breast feeding and offers a little more entertainment without disturbing neighbors. 

* Do your best to change diapers just before boarding. 

* Changing diapers on your lap if there's two adults is much easier than using the lavatory (so gross). 

* Bring plastic bags for diapers.

* Bring nicely scented sanitizing hand wipes. They're great for wiping down trays, walls, and armrests. They can also act as an air freshener if you have a stinky baby! Phew!

* Don't stress about the crying. It's only a few hours of everyone's lives & we can all stand to live outside our comfort zones once in awhile. 

* That being said, I don't think it hurts to over-prepare a little. 

I brought Tylenol, teething tabs, ear drops from the doctor, gas drops, and a few new toys. Some people recommended Benadryl, but I have a pretty laid back kid. I only ended up giving her Tylenol, and that was a half hour before we boarded. 

She had a little pain, but nursing did the trick. 

I know there are a ton of other tricks, but these are the ones that helped me the most. 

There was a little baby two rows up from us and he screamed most of the flight. The parents were great from what I could tell. Poor, sweet baby. 

There's a HUGE difference between children in need & unruly parents

with minions! ;)

Just my two cents!

Snow!

We are having a snowstorm! At first I was expecting the typical light dusting that is washed away in a day or two by rain. Boy, was I wrong!

Wednesday:

Thursday morning:

Thursday afternoon:

Thursday Night:

Showing Addie how to eat snow. 

She thinks her daddy is funny. 

Friday night:

Steve celebrated his snow day off from work by building a second home. 

Hope you all have a safe & warm weekend!

GHSSH

That's the acronym I repeated the entire walk today. 

Green

Happy

Sharp

Sweet

Hobo

I asked Steve to give us five words for a photo scavenger hunt. Here's what we found:

Green moss. 

Happy baby. 

Sharp plant/Bigsby Goes Punk. 

Sweet Home. Where Steve grew up.

Hobo. Lives in a park with her dog begging for money and has hat hair. We had to get a little creative for this one. 

Any creative ideas for our next walk??

Urban Craft

Sunshine. 

Glorious, golden sunshine!

The single most valuable word in the Pacific Northwest in January. 

Addie & I took Biggs for a walk. More out of necessity than pleasure. However, we had a great time! It started out gray, windy, and glum. The first five minutes weren't fun, but once my legs warmed up and the wind died down, we found ambition. And warm sunshine!

I had heard of these Free Libraries. You can find one near you at the official website: http://littlefreelibrary.org/ourmap/

We found one near us!

We found a few other things on our walk:

• 1 orange & black striped bouncy ball

• 1 Golden Book (Little Free Library)

• 1 Bald Eagle flying overhead

• 1 Cluster of gumballs from a tree. 

• 1 Giant handful of twigs

• 1 Branch of cedar

• 3 Pinecones

I made the wreath with only what we found on the walk. No wire, glue, or string. There is natural beauty in an urban setting. Sometimes you just have to put the pieces together. 

Now take a hike! Or a walk. ;)

Giving Up

Happy New Year! We pray you have a very hopeful, blessed 2014!

The words "resolutions" & "goals" are flying around like a swarm of bees. The intention is sweet success, but we are more often that not left nursing the sting of our failures. My strategy this year is simplicity & grace; choose two or three simple things to work on and allowing myself grace for the rough days. Acknowledging I'm in a huge growth phase of life being a new mom & getting in the swing of the "stay-at-home" portion of my job is key.

This brings me to the giving-up part. Instead of giving up my goals, I need to give up something I don't want in my life. Selfishness. Anger. Fear. I have an incredibly hard time trusting God. I know he's faithful. Loving. Gracious. Attentive. Perfect. Yet my heart whispers, "What if..." My heart is a pessimist. An ugly, cowering, sniveling, small-minded doubter. I hate that. I want to be beautiful from the inside out. To myself. Nobody else sees into the mirror of my soul but God & myself. Only we know the true hideousness that lies within. I want courage, faith, and joy to illustrate who I am to the world. Honestly. No more faking it. You never truly make it when you fake it. Ask Steve about tofu cheesecake.

It reminds me of this dairy-free adventure we've been on. My preference in most cases is to go without. My mother-in-law is the fiercest supporter you'll ever meet, and she's determined to make every Sunday meal kosher for me. Sour cream & cream cheese are the hardest to imitate. Our phrase for a successful dish has become, "It's not horrible..." I can laugh about that. Now, how heartbreaking is it to look at the poor imitation our lives are and say at the end of the year, "It wasn't horrible." How depressing! I want better! I want the real thing! I want life. Thriving life, not survival.

Here's the answer. God. Knowing Him. Trusting Him. Believing His words are true for ME, every day. This morning, Addie & I were running errands. I'm not a stay-at-home mom. Not yet! Haha I want to teach her generosity. She's six months old. I want her earliest memories to be that of sharing & caring for people. There was an older lady on the corner with a cane, sitting on a five-gallon bucket. "Homeless. Hungry. Please HELP!" There are a lot of beggars in our city, especially to this small-town girl from rural Wisconsin, but this woman surprised me. It struck me, "That could be my mom in a few years." With the way health care costs are rising & the state of federal healthcare reform, my parents could end up on the street like that woman. It's wrong. We are to love our neighbors. Care for them. Feed them. Clothe them. Smile & talk with them. Addie baby, this is how the world SHOULD be. But it's broken. We need to bind up each other's wounds with the healing gospel of Jesus' love as we minister to physical needs also.

I decided to run to McDonald's across the street. I didn't have cash & I don't give money anyway, but we could help her start her New Year with a hot breakfast and coffee. We pulled through the drive-thru with our order only to see another msn begging on another corner. It's so prevalent! In a world that screams for equality, the easy answer is to do nothing than to help one, but not another. There I was, trying to teach my oblivious six month old generosity, and I was torn between two hopeful hearts. I had pancakes, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, a hot coffee, and a tight budget. Lord, I thought you only said the lady? What do I do now??

"Do you like coffee?" I asked the man. "Oh sure!" He replied. I handed out the coffee & hashbrowns, feeling sad I didn't have a hot drink for the lady anymore. "Have a blessed New Year" he said. I pulled the car around the block to where the lady was sitting at a stoplight. As I was waiting to pull up, a younger woman with a styrofoam cup walked up to the lady and handed her the piping hot beverage. I wanted to shout for joy! That's my God!! He is ALWAYS faithful! I stopped at the green light and handed out the breakfast, grinning from ear to ear. The lady was very thankful and blessed me, wishing me a Happy New Year. If only she knew that what she gave me was worth much more than my meager offering. Truth. Faith. Proof of my God's perfect plan.

My efforts to teach my daughter are often redoubled by God to enrich my faith & love for Him. I must give up myself to receive God's blessings. You can trust this: It is more blessed to give than to receive.

"My God is so big! So strong and so mighty! There's nothing my God cannot do." - Ruth Harms Calkin

Praising It Through

Some days aren't worth it, it seems. There are days, weeks, months, even years when you wish you could rewind or call a "do-over". There are times that are so trying that you wish you could be in any reality except the one you're in. But you can't. The way I've found to make it through the PITs of life is to Praise It Through. It's cheesy, dorky, and maybe even childish, but it works!

One of my biggest struggles in recent history was when I was pregnant with my first child. I'm a very impatient person. I had quit my commuting job at seven months. I was bored and lonely at home alone all the time. I wanted to be finished. I wanted the prize at the end of the race. Little did I know then that my finish line would move 10 days past the due date... 

Instead of focusing on my slow waddle, my swollen feet, or the ever-present exhaustion, I decided to praise God for the good stuff. I kept the list on my phone so I could add more whenever they popped in my head, or grab a quick burst of encouragement when I was feeling desperate. You can do this for any stage or circumstance of life. This is my example. 

Joys of Pregnancy

Feeling baby move.

Being really close to meeting baby.

Joy of others sharing my excitement.

Listening to my husband talk to the baby.

Eating fruit!

Being healthy & mobile.

Learning to be a great mom.

Dreaming about our future as a family.

Working with the pup to prepare for baby.

Decorating baby's room.

My mom is coming to visit!

Being a part of making my husband's dreams come true: being a father.

This little exercise was a life line of hope for me. I still enjoy looking at it when I'm thinning down my "notes" app on my phone. I'll be deleting old grocery lists, research notes, and questions for the doctor when this little gem pops up. It reminds me of how faithful God is to bless me, and how easily I forget the benefits of living my life for Him.

I hope this helps you out during this stressful season of holiday baking, shopping, and working overtime. I hope it's a season of joy as you Praise It Through.

Note: I just burned the sugar cookies writing this post...

* My kitchen isn't full of smoke

* My husband will eat almost anything

* If he won't, the dog will... 

Hope Rises?

In this house, hope comes in a diaper! A light at the end of the tunnel. We've been testing out this low-carb theory (more in this previous post). I've been pumping off the first minute or two of milk before nursing. My daughter usually had green, gooey diapers, even after resolving a dairy intolerance. After four days of only wet diapers and a concerned mommy, we have arrived! And it's not green! And barely gooey! Hooray! I think we're making progress!

The prayer of a righteous Grandma (for poo) availeth much! Thanks, Nana!

The Green GooPoo Monster

It's a catchy title, right? We've been dealing with this diaper demon for the past three months. 

WARNING: This may be more graphic than you can stomach.

My daughter is 5 months old, and early on we discovered she has a cow's milk protein allergy that travels through my breastmilk. She began life with normal diapers. The brown. The seeds. The whole, happy, dirty diaper deal. Then she began to have green diapers. We kept spiraling down the poo chute until we arrived at the forest green, mucousy, streaky swamp. Complete with hair-soaking blowouts. It's awful and demoralizing to concerned mommies. If your baby has or may have a dairy allergy, you may know what I'm talking about. 

We've been dairy free for about three months now. I've learned to scour nutrition labels, speed Google restaurant allergen menus, and find creative substitutions for my favorite foods. Most surprising dairy finds? Chicken bouillon (cubes & paste). Breaded chicken (breasts, nuggets, strips, etc.), Spaghetti sauce - store bought. You have to check each flavor because no brand name is exclusively dairy free - unless it's in the natural section and specifically states "dairy free". Items labeled VEGAN are your best bet for stress-free eating, even if they don't taste the best. You can't have it all, but you can have a happy baby! My girl's diapers finally regressed to brown, but the goo refused to leave.

This was beyond a dairy allergy.

After many calls to the doctor's office, we got an appointment today. I was sure she had another allergy, like soy or gluten or some other allergy fad that's out there. I dreaded the TED (total elimination diet). That's where you miserably subsist on potatoes, pears, chicken, and cardboard. OK, not really cardboard, but it may as well be. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a completely different theory from the doc. CARBS. Simple as that. My baby may not be the same carbaholic that I tend to be! Their little tummies are too immature to process so much sugar. The GREAT NEWS is that it doesn't have anything to do with what I'm eating. It's the way my body produces milk.

So, to test that theory, we're going to pump 1-2 minutes before each feeding to reduce the sugary dessert milk, so my little munchkin can pack on some more pounds with the rich, main course milk, bypassing those pesky carbs. We also went ahead and sent some bloodwork in for some allergy testing. Since she's still so small, they don't expect to have any positive (allergic/sensitive) results. We'll see in a few days!

So, if you're like us:

(Dairy-Free Green GooPoo Monster Haters

Perhaps mentioning this theory to your doctor could put you on the right track to having happy pants once again! We'll let you know how it goes for us. 

Article my doctor referred me to:

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/x543050/why-are-my-breastfed-babys-poos-often-green

Deep breaths & Good luck!

Mindblowing Intelligent Design

I love living life. Even for the simple reason that the everyday moments reveal to me more fully who my Creator is and how our relationship works. Marriage has opened my eyes to see what sacrificial love is, and how very much God loves each of us, using our imperfect humanity to demonstrate the divine. Now that we're expecting a child of our own, I've experienced what it means to "eagerly await" Christ's return. Whenever we pencil in the next appointment on the calendar, my whole world begins to point to that day. To the excitement and joy of seeing our little baby on the ultrasound display and knowing everything is going great. How much more should I be looking for Christ and anticipating the joy of His presence and the glory of everything being righted and made perfect again?? God is good, and I'm so blessed to walk through this earthly life with Him by my side!

2012 Book Hit List

Since the last time we posted, we found out some crazy news! We're expecting a BABY! It was sort of planned, but a surprise at the same time, if that makes sense. =) We are doing great. We're expecting our special delivery around early June. This presents us with so many challenges. One of which is to obtain the most basic baby knowledge and parenting skills, as well as keeping our marriage as happy as ever, and training our puppy. 

Hence this list of books I hope to read over the next year. My aim is set low. Twelve months to read 6 books! We'll see how it goes!

1. On Becoming Baby Wise - Gary Ezzo

2. The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien

3. The No-Cry Sleep Solution - Elizabeth Pantley

4. **Steve's Choice** We enjoy reading together a lot! Sometimes it's easier if he picks. ;)

5. The Proverbs - All 31 Chapters - Verse by verse.

6. Baby-Led Weaning - Gill Rapley & Tracey Murkett

What are you reading this year?

Beatrice Taylor - Domestic Marvel

Andy Griffith Day was yesterday, if you were so unfortunate to not have known. It was the anniversary of the first airing of the pilot episode of "The Andy Griffith Show". Such a great show! If you've never seen it or you miss it, catch it on Netflix!

Beatrice Taylor, or Aunt Bee as she's affectionately called by the entire town, is such a beautiful character. I love her! She's kind, gentle, loving, witty, wise, and a domestic marvel - especially in the kitchen. She has many, many different roles, from matriarch of the Taylor household to cook & female attendant at the jail, and especially mothering anyone in need - a wonderful portrayal of biblical truth - she having no children of her own (Gal 4:27).

We celebrated by having fried chicken & apple pie, among other small dishes with iced tea. It was fun to celebrate such a rare gem of entertainment while watching the presidential debate.

:: Congrats, Mr. Romney on a well-done job! You showed yourself approved! ::

:: Congrats, President Obama, on 20 years of marriage! Hope you have many more to come! ::

And I hope you have a blessed day!

Summer Sun

The three of us enjoyed sleeping in (at least Steve & I did) and a 5-mile walk at Minto. Now we're all hungry and Biggs is heading downhill to crash land in Napville. :)

Things I've Learned From German Shepherds...

We watched two German Shepherd pups overnight this weekend. Bigsby was elated! Here's what I, a non-German Shepherd person, have learned from them:

1. We're German. We're stubborn and opinionated and somewhat war-like, just like the people.

2. No matter what size or breed you are, we will try to win. Again, we're German.

3. If all humans are out of site for more than 2 minutes, commence pitiful whining.

4. If there's a ball, there's only a ball. Nothing else exists.

5. If your opponent (or even your teammate) is nearby, never drop the ball.

6. Stare at humans for awkwardly long amounts of time. It's funny to watch them squirm.

7. Food is good.

8. Pretend you're deaf. It gets you more attention.

9. Equality is essential. If you have something, so should I.

10. Learn "normal". If anything deviates from this, freak out and bark loudly. Humans like this. Most humans. Ok, maybe just our masters at our house...

11. We love to love. Kisses. Hugs. Cuddles.

Little Finds

More vintage finds for $2 or less!

Fail

I have never used the slang term "Fail"... until today. I woke up at 4am to a whining puppy. To spare Steve lost sleep, I got up.

Back to bed at 5am.

Woke up at 6:15. Looked at my nightstand. Thought I was hallucinating. Rubbed my eyes. No hallucinations. There really were baby spiders crawling all over. Scream.

Got out of bed and ran downstairs to grab my clothes out of the dryer. Opened the laundry door to a pond that ran out the back door and also out into the garage all the way to the driveway.

On top of that, my fridge hasn't been working right.

Later we (dog & I) stopped at Steve's office to take a walk with him. I dropped my first dime in the parking meter. Nothing. Dropped my last coin in. Nothing. I jiggled it. It displayed this message "FAIL. Out of order." How did it know that perfectly described my morning so far??

Off to my doctor's appointment. Let's hope my touch doesn't break anything or anyone there!

Lord, help!

Bigsby & Me

Probably the best portrayal of our relationship. "Does this hurt, Kari?"

Phileo

Phileo {Fill-ee-oh}. Def. A really cool guy of greater years with family ties to one Kari Hornaday. Enjoys Football, Basketball, his awesome wife Patty, his kiddos Maya & Jax, and summer afternoons out fishing.

There's this statue in a downtown park. It always reminds me of my much-missed sister Kris, who passed away, but it also reminds me to pray for my big brother. It's fun to remember Phil & Kris' relationship too. HORSE tournaments, paint balling at Daryl's, practicing his catcher's stance in the backyard, hiking, and fishing. :)

My family is amazing.

Parks, Pooches, & Slobber

We split our day between Bush's Pasture Park and Minto-Brown Island Park today. A tired pup & my movie star sunglasses, as Steve calls them, make for a good day.

Must sniff grass...

At the playground in Bush's Pasture Park that Steve grew up playing on.

Rockin' the glasses... As much as I rock anything.

Made it to Minto. Everyone loves the shade & water.

The brown dog would be Wilson. He's awesome.

We forgot his name...

Totally bummed he had to come home.

Zonked.

Translation: "Get that phone out of my face, woman, or I'll eat it!"

On the wire

I hung out a clothes line today. The wildlife must have appreciated it because this dragonfly landed as soon as I brought out my first load of wash.